The Disaster That Is My Life, Part Two of Many

I sighed, and scraped the last little bit of purple from under my fingernails. Shame about that modeling job, really.

Benedict Cumberbatch’s fabulous voice played in the background over the microwave’s ding.

“Awww yisss my lasagna!” I rubbed my hands against my jeans to dry them and rushed to the counter. “Mmmm..” I inhaled that warm, fresh, red smell, and then almost cried because gosh dang that dish is hot.

Mori whined at my feet. I glanced down, his big mismatched eyes staring deep into my soul, begging with all his precious heart just to try my pasta.

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(Author’s Note: This is, in fact, my puppy Moriarty Arthur. He is nearly six months old, half Australian Shepherd, half Catahoula. You will probably see a lot more of him from now on. Thanks for reading!)

“Hang on, sweetie.” I grabbed a couple hot pads from the drawer at my hip and placed the lasagna carefully on my little table. “Alright boy, Sit!” Mori sat obediently on his cute lil butt, and I gave him a small chunk of meat from off my plate.

That smile is worth anything in the world.

Hedwig’s theme from Harry Potter started playing over the sounds of Sherlock, and I picked up my cell. “‘Sup?”

Tika’s voice came screaming – literally, screaming – through the receiver.

I took a bite of my food, drank some water to cool off my tongue, and then responded once she had quieted. “Tika, you know I can’t understand a word you’re saying, right?” If she even was speaking real words, sometimes I’m not sure.

“AAAA Did you hear about Kya and Bear?!?” She yelled back.

My interest peaked, “What? No, I didn’t hear anything. What’s up?”

“He proposed! Bear proposed!” We screamed together like excited girls tend to, and chatted for a few minutes more.

“Hey, any ideas for my next chapter?” I questioned, hoping that my best friend would have some ideas for me, especially since she was practically co-author of, like, 90% of my life already.

“Of your book? No idea. Maybe something with romance?” Tika suggested.

“Not really my thing. I mean, it’s nice and all, but there are so much more intriguing topics to discuss!” I retorted. “Things like science and art and cute little animals and orphans from, I dunno, Bulgaria or something…”

She laughed, “Alright, alright. Nerd. Just write whatever and make it sound nice, use lots of big words too. I have to go, Slink is trying to escape down the hall.”

We said our goodbyes and she hung up, hurrying after her crazed ferret. Glancing down, I see my own psychotic mammal still staring up with hope in his eyes. “You are so spoiled, y’know.” I drop down some more of my dinner for him to enjoy.

I stretch, and then decide to do some nice yoga before bed. “C’mon boy, let’s get our workout music on! ‘Cause this is totally a workout!”

I decide to do the Kapotasana pose, which I learned when I was around fifteen, and it’s still great for popping my back and sternum into place. It looks like this:

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Next I reversed it with Child and Sun Salutation poses, to make sure I kept my spine straight. Moriarty rolled around next to me with a bone, and tried to lick my face.

After fully stretching out all the kinks – especially the ones in my neck and shoulders from conking out in Sara’s cafe earlier – Mori and I headed to bed.

He pulled his blankie up onto the bed and dropped it on my lap so I could wrap him in it.

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We snuggled close and slowly dozed off.

I was back in that garden, the silent and still one with no life. I didn’t want to leave right away this time, I would rather explore first. I moved carefully, trying to stay grounded. Still there was no breeze or temperature fluctuation.

One rose stood out in particular, big and orangey. I plucked it, the stem snapping crisply. No smell. That was odd too, usually I dream in all five senses, why couldn’t I feel or smell or hear anything in this garden?

Could I taste? Putting the rose petals against my tongue was probably not sanitary, nor did it yield positive results.

What it did do was suck me into its ruffly orange-red bud, and then I was standing on the edge of a cliff on the coast, the sunset the exact same color as the rose. This time my senses were back, I could smell the saltwater sharp in my breath, the wind was blowing, tearing the rose’s petals away into the wind and over the sea. Waves crashed and people noisily moved about below, the last few visitors trickling away across the golden sand.

At first the sight was perfect. Beautiful, calming, incredibly peaceful. Loud and great and strong and kind. But gravity and wind yanked, rocks began to slide, and then I was falling, slowly, unable to scream, air trapped in my lungs.

Trying to cry but frozen, I moved slower and slower rather than faster and faster as I had expected. It was like moving through Jell-O, slow and uncomfortable and claustrophobic.

Why did I have to think of Jell-O? Now I was trapped far out in the ocean, but the water was thick and gelatinous and I was drowning, slowly, so slowly…

Seaweed began tangling around my ankles, tugging me down. I took my last gasp of breath and my head went under. I could still see clearly, perhaps even more clearly than I could in real life, and I realized it wasn’t just seaweed grabbing my feet, but a red demon was below, his large grin terrifying against the surprisingly calm water around us.

Air bubble burst from my throat as I wasted my last bit of air to whisper, “El Diablo…” #WORTHIT

Satan smiled even wider, which didn’t seem possible, and replied calmly “Mayonnaise.”

My confusion only lasted a few moments before his black eyes swirled and dragged me in, dropping me with a thud on my bedroom floor.

Moriarty barked in my ear and began kissing my face. I struggled to free myself from the tangled blankets wrapped around my limbs.

“Gajhhahh,” I spit out some hair that was tickling my lips.

Mori flopped over and showed me his teeth with a big smile.

“You look like The Joker.” I pushed myself up and pulled my alarm clock off my bedside table back towards me.

“UGHhhh I’ve only been asleep for, like, four hours.” Sadly, I crawled back onto my mattress and patted next to me for Mori to hop up. He did, and fell asleep almost instantaneously.

I, however, lay in bed wondering if I should write this all down in my dream journal and have my Yoga Instructor, Keirsha, explain what she thinks it could mean. But that would require movement, and I honestly don’t care that much about journals. Or dreams.

So I let myself pass out again, and fortunately this time I simply drifted off into a more normal dreamland.

To Be Continued At A Later Point In Time, Thank You For Reading!

The Disaster That Is My Life, Part One of Many. 

“Why are your hands purple?” 

“That, my friend, is a very good question.” I glance down at my fingers, which are purple enough to make an old Roman ruler envious.

Looking back up I can see her exasperated expression. “We hired you as a hand model for this ad, not as a smurf.” Shaking her head she shoos me towards the door.

“Smurfs are blue…not purple,” she is unimpressed by my vast knowledge, as am I, but it’s the only  thing my brain is offering me as a response, other then “Wait, I can wash it or-” The door is slammed in my face. 

Well, that went about as well as could be expected…

I wander around office cubicles filled with ringing phones and chattering voices and out onto the street. I guess I’ll just head back to my favorite cafe, Au Bon Pain, and work some more on my book. 

The ringing of the little bell on the big green door is familiar and welcoming, and Sara looks up, smiling as usual, and follows me towards a window booth. 

“Alright sweetie, what can I get for ya?” She holds a pen gracefully poised above her notepad for orders. 

I sigh, “How about an idea for this chapter? I’m stuck at a writing block again.” I pull my laptop from my backpack and open up the sloppy web page of my scrambled thoughts that I am trying to turn into an actual story. 

Sara shakes her head sympathetically. “Ah sugar, you’re the great writer, not me. I just fuel the enthusiasm with cupcakes.” 

“Thanks. Hey, speaking of which, you have any of those chocolate chunk things in?” I question hopefully. 

I’m in luck, they’ve got a plate just behind the counter. Sara scurries off and I avoid my work more by watching the cars passing outside. 

A few minutes later, cupcake in hand and napkin on lap, I still haven’t started even one line of this chapter. A little while after that, my head is on the table and I’ve begun hallucinating wildly as we humans often do.

In my dream, I am walking along a bridge in a rose garden. There are flowers and trees and lush green grass, with clear rippling blue water below, and puffy white clouds above. But something still seems off. 

Me being the procrastinator I am, I postpone my worry as well as I can, and try simply admiring the beauty around me.

But anxiety doesn’t work that way and soon I am uncomfortably glancing about, wondering why there is no one else here. No visitors, no owners or gardeners, no animals, no birds or even a bug in sight. There wasn’t wind either and the temperature of the air was exactly he same as my own. 

“Something is not right.” I state the obvious, to myself, alone, in an empty garden. 

And this is why I’m single.

Humming to fill the eerie silence, I begin spinning wildly through the trees, until I fall down, down, downnnnnnn and then I’m right side up again in a castle, gown twisting around my ankles, I’m dancing with a stranger. 

The manager from the advertising company I’d been turned down for earlier was stamping her foot along to the music, but when our eyes met she frowned, and lifted her hands. They were vibrantly purple. People began gasping, and waving around their extremities, all of which were slowly becoming more and more blue, then purple, then pink and red…

I turn to run away, and start floating instead, looking up into the chandelier above me, struggling to get down, and into the bright yellow light I go, trapped in the candles flame, and I’m in a burning room, fire and smoke all around me, the blackness darker than my broken soul. 

Coughing, I try to stand but slip on a dark wet substance, landing on my face. Was it blood? It was sticky and disturbing, but no, it was more like…

Chocolate cupcake was mushed into my cheek, my eyes opening slowly and painfully. How long had I been out? Why hadn’t Sara woken me up?

I sit up and flail my arm out, trying to shake the tingling from my limbs. 

“Ouch!” Some dude walking next to me yelped, and then gasped when he saw my bleary, half-awake face. “I’m fine,” he stammered and stumbled away.

I groan and lay my head back down, once again on top of my cupcake. 

“Oh sugar, what did you do? I go out for my lunch break and you make a mess of yourself… ” Sara helped me wipe off my face and brushed crumbs off my laptop. “Honestly child, how do you survive living on your own?” 

Out on the street it’s begun to rain, and I decide to give up on the rest of this Saturday. I’ll just go home and watch Sherlock on Netflix until my eyes bleed. 

To Be Continued At A Later Point In Time When I Am Less Tired Hopefully.

NOODLE FRIEND’S HAIR COLOR

ONCE UPON A TIME

NOODLE FRIEND HAD A REALIZATION.

HIS HAIR HAD BEEN DYED FOR AS LONG AS HE COULD POSSIBLY REMEMBER, AND EVERY PICTURE HIS MOMMA HAD FROM WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER HE HAD SOME KIND OF COLOR IN HIS LOCKS, SOMETIMES MANY AT ONCE.

NOODLE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT HIS NATURAL HAIR COLOR TRULY WAS.

AND SO ONE DAY, AFTER A LOVELY WALK (SEE BELOW) HE DECIDED TO CALL HIS MOMMA FOR MORE INFORMATION.

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“MOMMA I NEED ANSWERS.” Noodle shouted over the phone.

His Momma was used to calls like these from her lil Noodle, so she responded calmly. “Yes, Lil Noodle, what is it now?”

“WHAT COLOR WAS MY HAIR WHEN I WAS BORN? I WISH TO DYE IT THAT JUST TO SEE HOW I’D LOOK NOW.” The Noodle excitedly yelled.

“Why sweetie I’m not sure… hang on dearest.” The line went dead as Momma began to search for pictures of her lil man. “Why here’s one! I’ll send it right over.”

As Momma was not all that great with technology, she mailed it the old fashioned way, you know, through the mail. With paper and a stamp and her saliva keeping the envelope together. Remember those days?

Well anyways, it was a while before Momma’s letter arrived, and Noodle waited (kind of) patiently the whole time.

And then he tore open the paper, dropping pieces on the floor. Yanked out a folded picture and flattened the creases gently in his hand. NOODLEFRIENDISABABY

Purple. His hair was purple.

So great was his elation he called his sister with the good news.

“Why Noodle that’s wonderful! But also strange..” Sister went on to explain that she remembered the day that Noodle’s baby photos had been taken, and in the copy she had received he had Green hair, not Purple.

They ended their conversation wishing each other well, and Noodle looked once more at the pacified baby in his hand.

He went back to FaceBook and called every family member he knew. Noodle doesn’t have many cousins, so when he was born everyone was just so excited that each person wanted a picture to stick on their fridges. Many of the sentimental kinds still had their photos of Baby Noodle, and each one said he had different colored hair!

Orange like a sunset, White like an old man’s, Pink like a rose, Blue like the sea, Brown as the wings of eagles, Yellow as his skin, Gray as a tombstone, Black as ink, Red as muscle, on and on their vivid descriptions went, each different from the last.

Noodle was very very very very very very very very VERY confused.

“MOMMA WHAT IS THIS? NO ONE THINKS I HAVE THE SAME COLOR OF HAIR!” Noodle bawled. “HOW WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO DYE IT BACK TO NORMAL IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT NORMAL IS?”

“Now, now, sweetie pie. Let me just think for a momen- OH SWEET HONEY ICED TEA! Now I remember! You were born with hair like the rainbow, and it seemed to change with the wind’s breeze. When we had your first hair cut the week after you were born, we decided to get it dyed that nice purple, since purple is across the color wheel from yellow so it would contrast nicely with you- nevermind.” Momma sighed, “Point is, every color you’ve EVER had your hair is your natural color already.”

Noodle was silent for a bit, processing this fantastic news.

And then he rushed to Mr. Scissors, begging for a certain style. Scissors explained that he needed to finish his other clients hair first, so Noodle helpfully gave him a buzz cut, pushed him out the door and sat in Mr. Scissors chair.

After a moment of stunned silence, Mr. Scissors began working on Noodle’s luscious mane of hair sprouting from his yellow, egg-shaped body.

The end result was indeed spectacular.

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I HOPE THIS MAKES YOUR DAY BETTER. LOVE YOU ALL!

NOODLE OUT!

NOODLE FRIEND NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT

ONCE UPON A TIME

NOODLE FRIEND WAS HAVING LOTS OF FUN OVER THE HOLIDAY SEASON. UNFORTUNATELY, THE HOLIDAYS ALWAYS SEEM TO LEAVE BEHIND A FEW EXTRA POUNDS, USUALLY ON OUR TUMMY’S.

NOODLE, HOWEVER, GAINED MORE THAN JUST A FEW.

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WHOOPS.

WELL, LET’S SEE HOW DEAR NOODLE HANDLES THIS ONE!

*at the table the Noodle stares, the oranges and sandwiches tempting him greatly*

“I MUST DIET! I MUST EAT LESS!” Noodle stresses, fists clenched and tummy rumbling.

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To distract himself, Noodle Friend calls his sister. She talks to him soothingly, reminding him that starving is not the answer.

If he wants to lose weight, he has to eat, just the right things.

He has to exercise a little bit every day.

It will take him a lot of time.

But he can make it.

Exercise is the hardest part for Noodle, but he does love the rush of adrenaline that makes him feel really strong.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHH YEEESSSSS” He screams with triumph as he lifts two fifty-lumps above his head.

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Noodle friend has now gotten quite the sexy summer body.

His abs are especially nice.

After he grew his hair back out (it had been cut off in his pre-workout rage) he was ready for his favorite place – the beach!

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NOODLE FRIEND

ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS A LITTLE FRIEND. HE WAS NOT VERY SMART OR FUNNY, HE WAS NOT TALL OR THIN, HE WAS NOT HANDSOME OR HANDY. HE WAS JUST A BLOB. BUT HE WAS KIND,NOODLEFRIEND.png AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS.

NOODLE FRIEND HAD MANY ADVENTURES, AND NOW I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ONE OF THEM. HERE I PRESENT UNTO YOU, NOODLE FRIEND’S BAD HAIR DAY:

*down the street the Noodle doth go, a hair appointment to make*

“HELLO FRIENDS, TIS ME, THE NOODLE!” Many waved back in reply, even if they did not know him. His cheery personality was contagious.

Noodle Friend had an appointment at “Luxurious Manes and Skins Boutique of Greatness” and he was very excited. He had been looking forwards to dyeing his hair a new, bold, rich autumn red for the summer. He loved his current purple, but red looked better with his swimming trunks and he had a pool that he usually spent most of the season in.

Noodle Friend skipped into the door of the boutique, humming his own theme song loudly.

“HELLO MR. SCISSORS! I AM HERE FOR MY APPOINTED SCHEDULING FOR A DYEING OF MY LUSCIOUS LOCKS OF HAIR.”

A surprised Friend looked up from his work behind the counter, but smiled and responded kindly.

“Hello, you must be Noodle Friend. Unfortunately, Mr. Scissors had a family issue come up and had to step away. I am the Apprentice, and will be cutting your hair today.”

Noodle was unsure, this twist of events had obviously not been foreseen by the simple Noodle Friend. But he allowed himself to be led to the barber’s chair, and braced himself for whatever would come next.

SNIP!!! CUT!!! TWIST!!! YANK!!! SPLOOSH!!! TRIM!!!

After a long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long LONG time, the Apprentice had finally finished and spun Noodle’s chair so he could see in the mirror.

Noodle Friend still had his eyes clenched tightly shut, rather afraid of what there would be in front of him when they opened. And rightly so.

The simple red dyeing of hair, the BOLD AND SASSY AUTUMN that Mr. Scissors had promised, was definitely NOT what the Apprentice had been told to do. He had yanked and trimmed and layered and dyed Noodle’s hair, but he had also colored his arms and legs, making him look quite a bit different than his usual cheery self.NOODLEFRIENDSBADHAIRDAY.png

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Noodle screamed and ran from the “Luxurious Manes and Skins Boutique of Greatness”, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” He ran down the street, scaring children and pregnant mothers, making grown men scream in fear. NOODLEFRIENDSCREAMING“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Into his house, up the stairs, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Into his bed, and sobbing under his covers, his shouting slowly ceased. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAaaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….aaaaaaaaaa……a.aaaa…..aaaa………..aaa…aa..a.”

He cried into his pillow for hours. What would he do? This was not the style he had wanted.

Finally, he sat up and decided that he would go and find Mr. Scissors – NOT HIS APPRENTICE – and have him change it back to something better.

And so, he FaceBook stalked Mr. Scissors, looked up his wife’s profile, found her name in the phonebook, and called her. No answer. Next, he tried Scissor’s brother, who picked up and explained that Scissor’s Uncle had passed away and they were all gathering for his graveside service.

Noodle found out where it would be held and then took the bus to the cemetery. When he got there he waited a respectful five minutes until the service ended, and then moved to confront Mr. Scissors.

He could not keep his emotions under control for any longer, and so the confrontation was a little louder than planned.

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Mr. Scissors agreed to help the kind and rational Friend before him, and took him back to the Luxurious Boutique and soon after, Noodle was back to normal.NOODLEFRIENDISPLEASED.png

Blissful, peaceful joy. Noodle Friend went home satisfied with his new look.

AND THUS ENDS OUR STORY.

COME BACK NEXT TIME FOR MORE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES WITH NOODLE FRIEND!!!!!

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO OF NOODLE FRIEND COOKING BELOW!!!!!!

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